Block, mute, restrict or unfollow: what each one actually does

Should I block, mute, restrict or unfollow my ex?

Each button solves a different problem. Mute if you want to stop seeing what they post without anyone noticing, unfollow if you also want off their follower list, restrict if they comment or message you. Block if you're opening their profile every day: it's the only one that also stops you.

The question isn't which option is the most mature one. It's which one solves your problem this week. Not wanting their stories in your feed and not being able to stop opening their profile are two different problems.

What does each option actually do on Instagram and WhatsApp?

On Instagram, muting hides what they post without them knowing, unfollowing removes you from their follower list but still lets you open a public profile, restricting sends their messages to requests and blocking cuts access in both directions. On WhatsApp, muting and archiving are invisible.

On Instagram there are four actions that people mix up constantly. If one isn't where we said it is, look inside the person's profile: the menus move, the name of the feature usually stays.

On WhatsApp there are three invisible options before blocking is on the table:

Why does checking your ex's profile hurt even when you find nothing?

Because every visit forces you to interpret something: a photo, a story, a comment from someone you don't recognise all arrive without context and your head fills in the rest, usually with the worst version. And finding nothing settles nothing: it leaves you waiting for the next time.

Opening their profile feels like gathering information, but you're asking a screen to tell you whether they still love you. You look, you confirm nothing terrible has happened, you breathe. Ten minutes later the relief has worn off.

• If they post something good, it hurts because they're fine without you.
• If they post nothing, it hurts because you don't know what's going on.
• If someone new turns up, it hurts and you don't even know who they are.
• If nobody new appears, it hurts because someone could appear any day.

And looking is contact. No contact doesn't only break when you send a message: your head can't file someone away while it's still getting fresh updates about them every day.

How do I make it harder to check their profile?

By building friction instead of relying on willpower: block or unfollow the account, clear the search history and move the app off your first home screen. Every second you add between the urge and the profile is a second for the urge to drop on its own.

At three in the morning, willpower isn't available. What is available is whatever you set up at seven in the evening.

1. 1

   Block or unfollow first

   It's the step you least want to take and the one that does the most. The rest works once the account isn't one tap away.

2. 2

   Clear your search history

   If their name is one of the first suggestions, you don't even have to decide — it's handed to you.

3. 3

   Move the app off your first screen and log out at night

   Opening it should take three gestures, not one. Logged out, the 3 a.m. urge runs into a login screen.

4. 4

   Decide what the next thirty seconds are

   The urge leaves a gap, and if you don't fill it, it comes back. Have something dull waiting: a glass of water, a minute outside.

Is blocking your ex immature?

No. It's practical: you're putting something out of reach that hurts you and that you can't stop looking at by willpower alone. What matters is why. Blocking so you don't go looking works; blocking so they notice is another way of talking to them.

The embarrassment comes from the fantasy of ending things well: being the one who moved on quickly, able to see a photo and feel nothing. That version of you doesn't exist yet, and blocking doesn't stop you getting there. It just stops you arriving exhausted.

• If you block so you don't go looking, it works. It's a door you're removing from your own house.
• If you block so they notice, you're still talking to them without words, and you're waiting on a reaction.
• If you block to see whether they reach you some other way, you're not cutting off contact, you're switching channels.