Should I text my ex?

What do I do if I want to text my ex right now?

Don't decide yet: wait. Write the message in your phone's notes, not in the chat, set a twenty-minute timer and put your phone somewhere far away. The urge rises and falls like a wave, and the worst of it usually passes in about twenty or thirty minutes.

1. 1

   Write the message somewhere else

   Open your notes and write everything you'd say to them. Sometimes you need to say it, not for them to read it.

2. 2

   Wait and breathe

   Leave your phone in another room. While you wait, breathe in for a count of four and out for a count of six or eight, ten times.

3. 3

   Read it again

   Read it as if someone else had sent it to you, and ask yourself what you want them to feel. If the answer is "regret", a message won't make that happen.

Why do I want to text my ex more at night?

Because at night, everything that holds you up during the day is gone: work, people, noise. Being tired also weakens your self-control. In a 2007 study, people who hadn't slept showed 60% more activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain that sounds the alarm.

That's why it helps to decide during the day: keep the chat archived and your phone out of the bedroom before you go to sleep. If you're having trouble sleeping, here are some ideas for the hard nights.

What should I ask myself before I text my ex?

Answer these questions in writing, not just in your head. If the message is practical and fits in one line, like returning something, money or the pet, you can send it.

1. What do I want them to feel when they read it? If it's "regret", a message won't make that happen.
2. What reply do I need? Write it down and ask yourself if it would still be enough tomorrow.
3. Is this information or contact? "You left your keys here" is information. "Anyway, I hope you're doing well" is contact in disguise.
4. Would I send it on a Tuesday at 4 PM, without having had a drink? If the answer is no, wait.

I texted my ex and I regret it. What do I do?

The most important thing is not to send a second message. One message doesn't ruin anything: what hurts the next day is the string of messages trying to explain the first one. And if you start talking often again, remember that contact with an ex slows down how fast love and sadness fade (Sbarra and Emery, 2005).

• Don't send another one. Not "sorry", not "ignore me".
• Don't delete it. A "This message was deleted" notice draws more attention.
• Don't block them right after. Texting and then blocking says a lot too.
• Don't keep staring at the chat. If they don't reply, that isn't a hidden sign.

What do I do if I texted my ex after drinking?

You almost never need to do anything: if it was a single message, let it go. Alcohol makes you focus only on what you feel in the moment and forget about the consequences, which is called alcohol myopia (Steele and Josephs, 1990). It doesn't mean that deep down you wanted to do it.

If you sent something hurtful, this is enough: "Sorry about my messages last night, I wasn't in a good place. You don't need to reply." If it's happened several times since the breakup, the issue might be how much you're drinking, and it's worth talking about with someone you trust or with a professional.