What is the no contact rule and how do you do it?

What exactly is the no contact rule?

It means cutting off all communication with your ex for a set period. That includes texts, calls, meeting up and also looking at their profiles. It isn't a punishment or a tactic: it's taking that person out of your daily life so your mind stops waiting for them.

A 2010 study of fifteen people who had just been through a breakup found that seeing a photo of their ex activated the brain's reward system, the same one studied in addiction. That system doesn't calm down with explanations. It calms down with distance.

How long should no contact last?

There's no length proven by research: 30 days is an internet habit. Thirty days is usually enough to break the urge to text, but after a relationship of several years, 60 to 90 days is more common. What matters is having a date written down, because without one you end up arguing with yourself about it every night.

How do you start no contact today?

Do it all at once, in about twenty minutes, not little by little. Whatever you leave for tomorrow stays open tonight.

1. 1

   Pick a date

   Write it somewhere you'll see it. For a relationship under a year, 30 to 60 days. For years together or living together, 90.

2. 2

   Clean up your phone

   Mute and archive the chat, hide your stories from them, turn off location sharing and move the photos to a separate folder.

3. 3

   Write down your reasons

   Write three specific reasons, as scenes, not adjectives. Not "they were toxic", but "the night they left me waiting for two hours".

4. 4

   Choose who to text instead

   One specific person, told ahead of time. The urge doesn't go away because you forbid it, but you can send it somewhere else.

What happens if I break no contact?

You don't lose your progress: the days you held out still count. What matters is getting back on track quickly, because contact with an ex slows down how fast love and sadness fade (Sbarra and Emery, 2005).

• Don't send a second message to explain the first one.
• If they reply, you don't have to answer.
• Write down what happened right before, and check which channel was still open.
• If the urge comes back, follow these steps to keep from texting your ex.

How do you do no contact if you work together or have kids?

When you can't cut contact completely, keep it to a minimum: only practical matters, through a single channel, and no talking about the relationship. The rule goes from "don't talk" to "don't talk about us". A 2020 study of 122 recently separated adults found that more in-person contact predicted more distress two months later.

If there was violence, control or threats, cutting contact is a safety measure: block them, save the messages and ask for help. If you're in danger, call your local emergency number.